How can I achieve a greater level of intimacy in my relationship?
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Intimacy does not happen by magic. It must be built up over time. This takes some people longer than others. Often the harder you work at intimacy, the more valuable and rewarding it is. The following are some steps that may help.
- Be positive about what you have in your relationship and let your partner know what you value about him/her and about the relationship. Put it into words, don't assume they already know. Everybody likes to be told that they are appreciated and loved.
- Create opportunities for intimacy. Make times when you can be alone together in a situation where you can focus on each other and on your relationship. The harder it is to do this because of the children, work or other commitments, the more important it is that you do it! Try to plan a regular evening, day or weekend for the two of you to be alone.
- Practise making "I" statements about how you feel. This avoids putting your partner on the spot, and may help him or her do the same. For example "I feel hurt you didn't ask me before you decided" instead of "Why didn't you ask me first?"
- After an argument look at the deeper feeling behind the anger, hurt, anxiety, sense of being let down, or whatever. Talk to your partner about these feelings.
Courses
Achieving intimacy is not always easy, and sometimes help is needed. Consider doing a course or workshop for couples run by Relationships Australia. Couples are not expected to share personal matters with other participants. The courses combine activities couples complete together with opportunities to discuss important issues about their relationship. Couples do not have to be married to attend.
Counselling
Sometimes the issues are too complex, or the feelings too painful or confusing, for talking together to be successful. Counselling can, at these times, be of great value.
A relationships counsellor acts as an independent guide to help the couple talk things through. The presence of the counsellor makes it possible to say the things that are otherwise too hard to put into words.
If you feel your relationship has changed and you are concerned, consider talking to a counsellor.
It makes good sense to spend a little time talking to someone about your concerns instead of waiting until things get worse.
